apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
