Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
