Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
