She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
