Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
