sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
