Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
