Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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