Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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