eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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