just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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