I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
