I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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