Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
