I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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