hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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