Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
