I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
