I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize