I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
