I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
