Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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