I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
