he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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