How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
