saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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