I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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