let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
