There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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