I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
