She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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