hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
