I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
