how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
