have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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