so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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