When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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