i'm signing you up for texting rehab
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
