Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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