just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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