i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize