I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
