My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
