hell yes lets make some ravioli
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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