Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
