There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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