You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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