my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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