you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
