I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
