My underwear smells like fireworks.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
