I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
