So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
