I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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