Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
