i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
