I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
