I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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