Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I could make wine with my vomit
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
