I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
