Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize