Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
