I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i wish my penis had a tongue
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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